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Dead Letters 3.0
How not to win at life
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20th-Jun-2011 06:25 pm - Hello again, LJ
 Figured it was time to do another life-update post. Even though I should be sleeping. Oh well.

The last couple weekends have been fun, but bittersweet. Spent a lot of time hanging out with friends - old and new. I finally got to attend a convention slightly larger than WillyCon and was, for the most part, an enjoyable time.  Spent most of the first day hanging out with an old acquaintance - who I think I've become closer friends with as a result - and a couple other people I've pretty much just met. 
Was up a lot later than I would've liked Saturday night, but it worked out okay. Spent an uncomfortable night sleeping on the floor of the hotel room I shared with my old acquaintance and a friend of hers. Though the floor was uncomfortable, the worst part was actually dealing with an incredibly strong urge to crawl into bed with my acquaintance's friend and snuggle with her. But I'd just met her and she has a long-term boyfriend so that probably would've been a bad idea. =P  

Day two was primarily spent hanging with the same people, but I also dragged Emily along and she seemed to have fun as well.  Still not sure if it was technically a date or not, but I suppose it doesn't really matter...

This last weekend I spent a few hours on Saturday catching up with an old friend, Dale, and his wife. Met their foster kids, a couple of little boys (aged 4 and 2). Had a good time and managed not to get the boys too wound up. =P  Afterwards, I spent some time running around town, going to book and gaming stores (Free RPG Day and all) and managed to scrounge up a couple books I've been trying to find for a while. 
Emily took a break from work to have dinner with me and then I hung around town at a couple parks, reading and enjoying the nice evening until she got off work.  Another night crashing on her couch. 
On Sunday I got together with Angel, who was in town for a wedding (her old friend, Dale, who she'd was sharing a place with when I first got back from Colorado). The wedding had been on Saturday and I really feel that I should have attended...but he didn't make any attempt to invite me so I guess I should take that for what it is.  Seeing Angel for the first time in a year was great; had a lot of fun hanging out and it was good to reconnect. I'm really happy to hear that getting her on OkCupid seems to have worked out because she's apparently dating and living with a guy she met off there - which has the added benefit of getting her out of an extremely unhealthy living situation with her cousin. I'm a bit apprehensive that she's moving a bit fast with the guy (David), but I can't fault her for it and perhaps its for the best. He seems like a good guy, and that's marvelous for her. She deserves to date someone who's not a complete prick. 
Of course, all of this served as a bit of a wake-up call for me; an epiphany of sorts.  Angel and I are both pretty fucked up in the head, I think an honest evaluation would reveal that much. The difference is that, in Angel's case, it's because she's been wounded - traumatized, really, by a shitty childhood, screwed up interactions/relationships with family members, and cruelty/insanity on the part of significant others. She's got issues and baggage; which I'm actually really proud of her for as much progress she seems to have made in overcoming in the last couple years. In any case, the point is that she's been injured and is in the process of healing - that's her reason for being a bit "off" sometimes, and it's a good reason. The thing is, these wounds can heal, and it looks like they are.
Me, on the other hand, I'm not wounded. I haven't been traumatized, abused, or neglected. I'm just fucked up naturally. And it often seems that, in anything, I'm doing nothing so much as becoming more fucked up over time - I'm not really getting better, I'm getting worse. And the worse I get the more "natural" I feel - the more true-to-self; but also the more I find myself sliding away from whatever humanity I have left. Every day, I identify more with Pickman...and Forever Alone Guy. Well, if the shoe fits...
Which brings me to the remainder of Sunday night - what all happened after Angel took her leave. Emily and I went back to her place and went for a walk. Sitting in an empty parking lot, eating ice cream, we finally had the "are we dating" talk. It was extremely brief and, ultimately, we decided that we're just going to be friends. Well, basically she decided, but I definitely agreed with her and felt happy enough with the situation to give her a little one-armed hug to seal the deal. We didn't really get into the reasons, but she talked a bit about wanting to move overseas, possibly back to China. Although becoming an ex-patriot has appealed to me for years, I don't really think I'm in a position right now where it's at all a possibility. So that's that. And though I am sad - very much so - about losing that potential future, about never being able to explore that sort of relationship with her, I'm also honestly relieved. I definitely feel a strong mental connection with her, and I have feelings for her - care and wonder about her a lot - I'm not especially attracted to her physically and I have often felt that I have to work a bit harder than I'd like to get her attention when I'm not right there next to her. In the long run, this is something that I feel would be damaging to my emotional well-being; undermine my sometimes fragile confidence and provoke what feelings of paranoia/insecurity I occasionally feel. I am, still, very fond of her and intend to continue to communicate (hopefully frequently) and visit her - even without a romance subtext, I have a lot of fun when I go to see her; I feel we have a lot of conversational chemistry, a fun banter as well as intellectual interests and discussions.
So, really, what this means is that I'm not free to pursue other interesting ladies. For what that's worth considering the well's pretty much run dry in that department. My beautiful, fundamentalist, unavailable coworker is back with one of he exes and apparently they're talking about getting serious - marriage-serious. But she was never really an option anyway. Marie, here in Sioux City, has barely interacted with me since I went out to eat with her and Jason about a month and a half ago. Not that I ever expected to go any further than friendship with her anyway.

And, as it often does, the universe has been especially cruel to me recently in that, in the last two weeks, I've come across three beautiful redheaded girls who I was unable, due to circumstances, to get any contact information from any of them. I'm fairly certain that at least two of them were "too young" for me, anyway. But the universe likes to cruelly show you pretty, untouchable things, doesn't it? Of course, if Emily and I had discussed our lack-of-relationship status on Saturday night instead of Sunday, I might have asked for the third girl's number. Or at least talked to her a bit more, asked for her name, something besides the brief throwaway banter I traded with her. Oh well, the benefit of not knowing is not having to face the sting of rejection, I suppose. 
But I should really be getting to sleep...
9th-Jun-2011 01:10 am - X-post
 Someone over on Ex-C said something the other day that was simply amazing and, the more I've though about it, the more I wanted to share it here; both for my own records and for anyone who might actually read this thing. =P

06 June 2011 - 11:12 PM - VacuumFlux
I certainly had a huge void while a Christian that god couldn't fill. Two things have happened to it. One is that it's getting smaller as I deal with my emotions realistically instead of expecting a god to erase all my negative feelings. The other is that part of that dark center was the half of me that was asleep. For years I would go touch that dark center of me and find a cocoon, the real me hiding, waiting. It is my anger, my rage, my power, my sexuality, all the "darker" aspects of being human that I'm discovering are actually necessary to live a balanced life. Every time I find myself giving in to others when it hurts me, or being afraid to be myself because I don't want anyone to see enough of me to know how to hurt me, I remind myself to wake up. As I let that part of me have a voice, I find it... me... reacting to difficult situations with the laughter of an animal enjoying the hunt instead of with fear. I see obstacles in my life and relish the thought of destroying them. I love being alive. I love the sensation of power. The darkness inside of me turned out to be my "I am". It is the part of me that simply enjoys being. It is the part of me I thought could never belong to a human being because power and justice and being right come only from god. Well, god isn't there for me. But I can be.
(My emphasis.)

I love this for its sheer beauty, the way it resonates, and the way it mirrors so well what I've been trying to get at with all my talk about my shadow. This is what I'm going for, what I mean. My dark is, apparently, more self-destructive than hers, but it is every bit as primal, intense, and vital. It feels amazing to find a kindred spirit; someone who seems to truly understand and thrive on the same exploration through the inner darkness towards the true whole - the synthesis of self.
18th-May-2011 12:53 am - Writer's Block: Merlin revisited
If you were granted unlimited magic powers for just five minutes, what would you do?

Grant permanent unlimited magic powers to a bunch of my friends, then hopefully get them to grant them to me when the 5 minutes ends.

When everyone is Pun-Pun, no one will be.
29th-Apr-2011 03:42 am - Writer's Block: The Royal Wedding
If you were invited to the Royal Wedding, what gift would get the bride and groom?

Read more...Collapse )

18th-Apr-2011 05:12 pm - Writer's Block: Marathon sessions
Aside from sleeping and being awake, what is the longest consecutive amount of time you've spent doing one thing? What was it?

Honestly? Probably 'traveling.' The drive from my parents' place in Iowa to where I lived in Colorado was about 13 hours. Did the trip a number of times over the years I spent going to school out there.  

Also, the plane ride over the Atlantic seemed never-ending; especially because I've never been able to sleep on planes. =|
13th-Apr-2011 03:32 am - Writer's Block: Making a better day
If you were given one magic wish to improve the world, for what would you wish?

Fuck the world.  I'd wish for super-powers - for myself and a few of the people I love. Don't care if that's technically multiple wishes, I'd make it work.

Most of the time, I'd do my super-ing in street clothes. Screw having a 'secret identity' when the people I care most about are also supers.  When I do feel like getting gussied up for heroics/villainy (I'm a Wild Card, right), this is what I'd want my suit to look like:

fuck yeah, I'm flyin'!

As for what I'd want my powers to be, well, this badass shit and life drain.
5th-Apr-2011 03:00 pm - I miss Quincunx
 There, I said it.  I know she wasn't a particularly nice person, hell she was a bitch, really, but I liked her anyway.  I enjoyed working with her during the last round of GtKaP and appreciated her ability to simply make a decision and push through when administration got complicated. 

Whatever she did to get banned, it was probably well-deserved.  I have no idea; out of the loop as usual.  But I wanted to put it down that I'm sad I no longer see her around, harassing people and calling them to task.  I didn't always see eye-to-eye with her, but she always knew where she stood and that's something I admired about her.

Man, I really am becoming a sentimental old fool, aren't I? =(
5th-Apr-2011 02:33 am - Vacation Two
 With the close of my second long vacation of the year I'm left feeling ambivalent.  No surprise, really.  I'm happy that I had such a wonderful time, especially during the last couple days, but sad that it's come to an end.  I would really have liked to spend more time both in Wayne and Omaha, but not really anything to be done about it.  And, hopefully, I'll find myself heading down to Omaha again soon enough. 

Had dinner with mom on Wednesday night instead of gaming.  Was nice to catch up about all the crap with my brother, I guess.  A bit of a tiff with Drew afterwards, since he made some lame comment about not wanting "strange people" in the house when my mom was talking about Josh spending the night next Wednesday so she didn't have to run up to get him after she and dad get done at a church thing.  Drew tried to play it off as a joke, but with all the weirdos he has over all the time he just came across as a hypocritical asshole. 

Went to a movie, Sucker Punch, with Marie on Thursday. Not much to talk about there, considering we didn't really have that much time to talk. =|

After the movie, I went to a get together at a coworker's place, dragging Jason along for the lols.  Was a pretty small gathering and a pretty chill night, all-in-all.  Des was there but, as usually, I didn't really talk with her all that much.  Seems we talk just a little and then other people drag us away to other conversations.  Which is fine, really, because I don't honestly want to put too much thought or energy into developing much of a (doomed) relationship with her beyond casual coworker/friendship.  

Was nice to see my coworker, Annie, at the party, too.  She's adorable, too, and I'll admit a small (futile) crush on her. Too bad she's only interested in other girls...and is in a serious, committed relationship besides. =P Her girlfriend is over in Paris and she's excited that she'll get to go over there in a few months to see her.  So excited, in fact, that she was sashaying and dancing about the place during the party (everyone else pretty much just sits or stands around). She was practically radiating happiness.  I've had a few nice chats with her since we started working together a few months ago and we have a lot of common interests when it comes to music, the arts, and theater - she's one of the more academic/intellectual/artsy-fartsy of the people I work with. Definitely a fun person to hang out with.

Finally, got an out-of-the-blue hug from my seldom-seen (she works on a different unit almost exclusively) coworker Megan. She gave everyone a hug, even Jason, but it was nice to get some snuggles. =)

WillyCon was largely a snooze fest.  Seriously, drank two Monsters just to keep from dozing off from boredom.  But I guess I did have a good time catching up with some old friends, primarily our Omaha/Ren-fest buddy Will.  Talked to him about the possibility of me moving to Omaha this year and he seemed excited.  Not excited enough to let me live with him, though. Which is why I was so adamant in saying that I was going to move in once he gets settled in his new place. =P

Also bumped into some other people at WillyCon that fascinated me.  One of them was a younger girl, a student of the college, who was a Rabbit-doppleganger - even wore very similar glasses.  Was especially strange because, as I was walking around the con I'd pass her and she'd wave to me as if she knew me from somewhere, but I'm certain we've never met.  Had an extremely abbreviated conversation with her, interrupted by a random guy commenting on my shirt (What Would Cthulhu Do?).  
Also spent a fair amount of time talking to a girl named Daniele, who I think I've met before but have never really interacted with.  Looks like Lisa Loeb and wears shawls like a grandmother. An 'odd bird' to be sure!  But I suppose I have a thing for 'odd birds' because there was definitely some attraction/chemistry between us. Jason felt the need to comment on it, saying that I should add Daniele to the assortment of women I'm "juggling."  Hadn't ever really seen it that way...  =|  In any case, though I've added her on Facebook and despite the chemistry, I'm not intending on pursuing a relationship with her.  There was something...off?...about her that I couldn't quite put my finger on and I'd definitely want to figure out what was setting my nerves a bit on edge around her before I'd ever consider so much as texting her or calling her up.  Wasn't so much a 'creeped out' feeling so much as just...not really sure how to put it.  Maybe I was simply getting mixed signals from her and that's what bothered me.  Oh well, we'll see how our facebook friendship goes.
Of course, a good chunk of why I even when to the con is wrapped up right there - knowing I was going down to Omaha to see Emily on Sunday, I wanted to troll around for other options among the various WillyCon alumni that live around the area - some people I've been closely acquainted with for years and others I've only met in passing, like Daniele.  Not finding anyone to sweep me off my feet, I felt justified in focusing most of my attention on Emily.
Not that I think it would've mattered unless I'd found someone who completely blindsided me, though.  Arriving in Omaha on Sunday morning, I found myself quickly becoming enamored with "Ms. Emily."  I was a bit earlier than I'd expected to be and she answered the door in her pajamas.  "Damn, she's cute," I caught myself thinking. =3 She's also one of the few women I've met in my life that I actually find somewhat more attractive without her glasses.
But beyond physical appearance, I enjoyed her company quite a lot; lots of humorous conversation in addition to the intellectual hypothesizing and discussion I'm somewhat accustomed to from our chats on MSN.  Even some flirting and teasing; more than I actually expected.  I felt very comfortable around her; no strange feelings of unease like I had around Daniele the day before. We went out for lunch, wandered for a few hours around Omaha's Old Market, then returned to her place to relax.  She cooked dinner, which though I love eating out, actually impressed me a bit.  We ate at the dinner table with her roommate Dara, and Dara's boyfriend...Brian?  At one point Dara made a comment something to the effect of us being 'a family.'  Though I honestly hardly know any of them, I did feel sort of 'at home' in the situation.  
After eating, Dara and Brian(?) buggered off to the library to do some studying.  Emily and I curled up on the couch (sadly, no snuggling, yet) and watched a netflix movie.  We watched 'Suspect Zero' and it was kind of "meh," though part of that might have been because we were both so tired we were nodding off a bit during the film.  Not surprisingly, when the movie ended we decided to call it a night.  So, we said hugged (finally some snuggles!) and then she went upstairs to brush her teeth, saying she'd be back down to say goodnight.  When she came back down she basically tackle hugged me, "leaping into my arms," as they say.  Eventually, I put her down and she went away to sleep. (sadface) I stayed up a bit and tinkered around on GitP and facebook until her roommate came home; mostly so I didn't get woke up when she got there.  Finally passed out on the couch a bit after midnight and slept until about 6am.
In the morning, she cooked breakfast, which I really enjoyed.  Then we hugged goodbye and she headed off to work and me back to Sioux City.  The visit down there felt extremely short...time just flew by.  Hoping to get down to see her again later this month; really looking forward to it. =)  Texted her a bit briefly tonight before work and planning on chatting online again with her Tuesday night. 
In other news...I don't really have any.  =|  Two days of work before I happen to have a couple days off that coincide with my birthday.  No big plans...gaming on Weds and then maybe go out to eat with mom. Think Cora is planning on making me a cake.  I lead an exciting life sometimes. =P Oh, and I guess Marie and I are going to have a late lunch on Thurs.  Should be...interesting. >.>
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